Grieving the Loss of a Beloved Pet
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As about our Healing Garden
Grieving
Our pets live relatively short lives. For many of us who love our pets, their death can affect some of us even more than the death of a relative or friend. The death of a pet leaves few people totally untouched.
A pet may come to symbolize many things to each of us. It may represent a child, perhaps a child yet to be conceived or the innocent child in us all. It may reflect the ideal mate or parent, ever faithful, patient and welcoming, loving us unconditionally. It is a playmate and a sibling. It is a reflection of us, embodying negative and positive qualities we recognize or lack in ourselves. The same pet may be all of these, alternating between roles on any given day or for each member of the family.
When a pet dies, we expect that our pain will be acknowledged, even if our relatives, friends and colleagues do not share it. Though the bond between you and your pet is as valuable as any of your human relationships, other people may not appreciate the importance of its loss. The process of grieving for a pet is no different than mourning the death of a human being. The difference lies in the value that is placed on your pet by your family and by society as a whole.
Your grief may be compounded by lack of response from a friend or family member. Realize that you do not need anyone else's approval to mourn the loss of your pet, nor must you justify your feelings to anyone. Do not fault anyone who cannot appreciate the depth of your grief for a pet. The joy found in the companionship of a pet is a blessing not given to everyone.
Seek validation for your pain from people who will understand you. Speak with Dr. Siegel, a veterinary technician, groomer or another pet owner. Ask for a referral to pet grief support groups or veterinary bereavement counselors in your area.
The death of a pet can revive painful memories and unresolved conflicts from the past that amplify your current emotional upheaval. Seek comfort in the support of professional counselors or clergy.
This is an opportunity for emotional growth. Your life was and will continue to be brighter because of the time that you shared with your pet. This is the best testament to the value of your pet's existence.
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Five Stages of Mourning
The stages of mourning are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to an individual's own terminal illness or to the death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of normal grief.
In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step and express each stage more or less intensely. The five stages do not necessarily occur in order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief. The death of your pet might inspire you to evaluate your own feelings of mortality. Throughout each stage, a common thread of hope emerges. As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.
1. Denial and Isolation: The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished pet is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
2. Anger: As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger.
The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased pet. Rationally, we know the animal is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent it for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us angrier.
The veterinarian who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease, or who performed euthanasia of the pet, might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.
Do not hesitate to ask any of the staff at Pasco Veterinary Medical Center to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your pet's illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Discuss the cost of treatment. Discuss burial arrangements. Understand the options available to you. Take your time. Both you and Dr. Siegel will find that honest and open communications now are an invaluable long-term investment.
3. Bargaining: The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. If only we had sought medical attention sooner. If we got a second opinion from another doctor. If we changed our pet's diet, maybe it will get well. Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
4. Depression: Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate. We worry about the cost of treatment and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. Simple clarification and reassurance may ease this phase.
We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our pet farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
5.Acceptance: Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny us the opportunity to make our peace. Withdrawal and calm mark this phase. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
Pets that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own mortality, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying pets may well be their last gift to us.
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Explaining Pet Loss to Your Child
It is natural to want to protect our children from painful experiences. Most adults, however, are surprised to find how well most children adjust to the death of a pet if they are prepared with honest, simple explanations. From a young age, children begin to understand the concept of death, even though they may be unaware of it at a conscious level.
When a pet is dying, it may be more difficult for a child to resolve the grief experienced if the child is not told the truth. Adults should avoid using terms like "put to sleep" when discussing euthanasia of a family pet. A child could misinterpret this common phrase, indicating the adult's denial of death, and develop a terror of bedtime. Suggesting to a child that "God has taken" the pet might create conflict in the child, who could become angry at the higher power for cruelty toward a pet and the child.
Children are capable of understanding, each in their own way, that life must end for all living things. Support their grief by acknowledging their pain. The death of a pet can be an opportunity for a child to learn that adult caretakers can be relied upon to extend comfort and reassurance. It is an important opportunity to encourage a child to express his or her feelings.
Two- and three-year- Olds: Children who are two or three years old typically have no understanding of death. They often consider it a form of sleep. They should be told that their pet has died and will not return. Common reactions to this include temporary loss of speech and generalized distress. The two- or three-year-old should be reassured that the pet's failure to return is unrelated to anything the child may have said or done. Typically, a child in this age range will readily accept another pet in place of the dead one.
Four-, Five-And Six-Year-Olds: Children in this age range have some understanding of death but in a way that relates to a continued existence. The pet may be considered to be living underground while continuing to eat, breathe, and play. Alternatively, it may be considered asleep. A return to life may be expected if the child views death as temporary. These children often feel that any anger they had for the pet may be responsible for its death. This view should be refuted because they may also translate this belief to the death of family members in the past. Some children also see death as contagious and begin to fear that their own death (or that of others) is imminent. They should be reassured that their death is not likely. Manifestations of grief often take the form of disturbances in bladder and bowel control, eating, and sleeping. This is best managed by parent-child discussions that allow the child to express feelings and concerns. Several brief discussions are generally more productive than one or two prolonged sessions.
Seven-, Eight-And Nine-Year-Olds: The irreversibility of death becomes real to these children. They usually do not personalize death, thinking it cannot happen to them. However, some children may develop concerns about death of their parents. They may become very curious about death and its implications. Parents should be ready to respond frankly and honestly to questions that may arise. Several manifestations of grief may occur in these children, including the development of school problems, learning problems, antisocial behavior, hypochondriacal concerns, or aggression. Additionally, withdrawal, over-attentiveness, or clinging behavior may be seen. Based on grief reactions to loss of parents or siblings, it is likely that the symptoms may not occur immediately but several weeks or months later.
Adolescents: Although this age group also reacts similarly to adults, many adolescents may exhibit various forms of denial. This usually takes the form of a lack of emotional display. Consequently, these young people may be experiencing sincere grief without any outward manifestations.
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Reasons for Euthanasia
We are never quite prepared for the death of a pet. Whether death is swift and unexpected or whether it comes at the end of a slow decline, we are never fully aware of what a pet has brought to our lives until our companion is gone.
Our involvement with the final outcome may be passive. We may simply not pursue medical or surgical treatment in an aging pet. Perhaps its ailment has no cure and the best we can do is alleviate some of its suffering so that it may live the remainder of its days in relative comfort. An illness or accident may take it suddenly.
Everyone secretly hopes for a pet's peaceful passing, hoping to find it lying in its favorite spot in the morning. The impact of a pet's death is significantly increased when, as responsible and loving caretakers, we decide to have the pet euthanized.
Euthanasia is the induction of painless death. In veterinary practice, it is accomplished by intravenous injection of a concentrated dose of anesthetic. The animal may feel slight discomfort when the needle tip passes through the skin, but this is no greater than for any other injection. The euthanasia solution takes only seconds to induce a total loss of consciousness. Respiratory depression and cardiac arrest soon follow this.
Doctors of veterinary medicine do not exercise this option lightly. Their medical training and professional lives are dedicated to diagnosis and treatment of disease. Veterinarians are keenly aware of the balance between extending an animal's life and its suffering. Euthanasia is the ultimate tool to mercifully end a pet's suffering.
To request euthanasia of a pet is probably the most difficult decision a pet owner can make. All the stages of mourning may flood together, alternating rapidly. We may resent the position of power. We may feel angry at our pet for forcing us to make the decision. We may postpone the decision, bargaining with ourselves that if we wait another day, the decision will not be necessary. Guilt sits heavily on the one who must decide. The fundamental guideline is to do what is best for your pet, even if you suffer in doing this. Remember that as much as your pet has the right to a painless death, you have the right to live a happy life.
Each of us mourns differently, some more privately than others and some recover more quickly. Some pet owners find great comfort in acquiring a new pet soon after the loss of another. Others, however, become angry at the suggestion of another pet. They may feel that they are being disloyal to the memory of the preceding pet.
Do not rush into selecting a replacement pet. Take the time to work through your grief.
To help you to prepare for the decision to euthanize your pet, consider the following questions. They are intended as a guide; only you can decide what is the best solution for you and your pet. Take your time. Speak with the staff at Pasco Veterinary Medical Center. Which choice will bring you the least cause for regret after the pet is gone?

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Planning Ahead
Euthanasia is the most difficult decision you will ever have to make. We at Pasco Veterinary Medical Center want to help you through this difficult time. As difficult as it is to talk about, planning ahead will make the process easier. We encourage you and your family to talk about and decide on several things.
  1. When will it be the right time for euthanasia? Feel free to talk with us.
  2. Where will you have your friend end their suffering? Many pets are very stressed when in a vets office. We therefore offer euthanasia in the privacy of your home.
  3. Who will be present? Some owners prefer children to not be there. We want to respect each individuals right to greive in their own way.
  4. Will you stay while the injection is given? Some people stay, others choose to say goodbye and leave before we give the injection. We make every effort to make the final parting as comfortable as possible for the patient.
  5. 5.What arrangements do you want after the passing for your pet? Many options exist. Burial at home, a private burial at a pet cemetery, cremation, or a private cremation with ashes returned. There are other options available too. Talk with our staff about making the right decision for your family. Providing our office with a written request allows us to handle the arrangements with the least amount of questions when the time comes.
If circumstances are such that you have time before having to make this decision, we suggest making the time you have left with your special family member quality time for all the family. Have special together time, take pictures and video, reminence and write down everyones fondest memories.
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Grieving Together as a Family
People express their grief in many ways. We want to encourage you and your family to express your grief in a positive and healing manner. Some suggestions include:
  1. If you are a writer, writing poems or stories about your loved one. This can be kept private or you can share it with others on a web site for pet bereavement.
  2. Drawing pictures or making an album from old photographs
  3. Laminating a special picture and placing it at the grave site if you buried at home.
  4. Having a special memorial area in your yard. Plant a blooming plant/tree or one that bears fruit as a living symbol to your friend.
  5. We have a pet memorial walk at our office. You can contribute a stepping stone and inscribe a message on it in memory of your special pet.
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Guilt
Losing a pet is hard enough without the anchor-bearing weight of guilt that adheres itself to our grief. Right in the middle of our most intense feelings of grief comes guilt. It smacks us upside the head and declares, "I'm back! You didn't think you could actually have the pain of loss without me did you?"
What an insidious and persistent pest! Guilt feeds on the raw, open wound of grief and infiltrates emotions with phrases like, "If only" and "What if" and "I should have". Guilt refuses to acknowledge that everything happens for a specific reason (whether we like it or not). To admit this would be to recognize that guilt serves no useful purpose of its own where our grief is concerned.
There are instances in life when a little guilt serves a big purpose. The kids spill grape juice on the carpet, it ticks us off and we yell. A little guilt-induced reflection helps us realize how unimportant the carpet is compared to our children's feelings. The damage to the carpet can be fixed but the damage to our children's self-esteem may be irreparable. This kind of guilt encourages us to do things differently next time.
The kind of guilt I'm talking about is different, it's destructive and ineffective. I'm referring to guilt we impose upon ourselves when we make the decision to help our pets leave this world. We do this out of love and a strong desire to ease their pain. Guilt serves no purpose here. I'm also talking about the guilt that comes when an accident has resulted in the loss of a pet. It seems impossible to keep from feeling guilty for a mistake of such a tragic magnitude but putting the guilt into perspective can aid greatly in self-forgiveness.
Our pets hold no grudges and they don't want us beating ourselves up for things we cannot or could not control. They know that "what if's" damage the soul but forgiveness repairs spiritual bridges.
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Pet Loss Website
The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement (APLB)
P.O Box 106, Brooklyn, NY 11230
(718) 382-0690
E-mail: aplb@aplb.org
www.aplb.org


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The Tufts Pet Loss Support Hotline: (508) 839-7966
Hours:
The Tufts Pet Loss Support Hotline is staffed from 6:00PM-9:00PM EST, Monday through Friday. During June, July and August, the Hotline will be staffed on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays only. There is 24 hour voice mail available for leaving messages.
Calls:
Callers place calls at their own expense. There are no additional charges. We will return voice mail calls during our hours of operation. Calls from outside of Massachusetts will be returned collect. The Hotline is supported entirely by private donations and staffed by volunteers who are committed to improving the quality of life for people and animals.
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Suggested Reading for Adults and Children

Books Especially for Children
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POEMS
WINGS OF LIGHT
(Terri Onorato)
A gracious host of angels
prepare throughout the night
a place within the Kingdom
for the newest wings of light.
Rising from their earthly shell
these spirits leave the earth,
then one by one, side by side
their wings of light emerge.
A brilliant love engulfs them
and they quickly understand
the gift of life eternal waits
within the Promise.
Like radiant stars on canvas
their spirits fill the night
and broken hearts are cradled in
their loving wings of light. 		WHISPERING SOULS
(Terri Onorato)
I sometimes hear it late at night,
the gentle sound of angel flight,
descending from a higher place
closing gaps of time and space.
A gentle breeze upon my skin
pulls me from my dreams again,
a loving soul gone far too long
returns to reaffirm our bond.
My mind is racing, questions fly,
"you left so soon, please tell me why,"
the whispered words then spoke to me
released my pain and set me free.
"There is a place beyond this earth
where all souls seek divine rebirth,
no explanation can describe
the world in which pure love resides.
This place belongs to everyone
and when your time on earth is done
you'll travel here as all souls do,
no fear or pain will follow you.
Until the day your journey starts
you'll find me tucked inside your heart,
and when you feel our distance vast
your whispered words will bring me back.
This I promise you my friend,
we'll be together once again
and all the love our hearts can hold
will join as one our whispering souls."
BEYOND LIFE'S GATEWAY
(Timothy R. Laurence)
Little one lie down your head
The day is closed, it's time for bed!
The gentle winds blow to and fro
And all of nature seems to know...
That day has fled and all around
The evening comes without a sound.
A glorious calm has settled deep
Upon the day. It's time for sleep.
May dreams of fields and running free
Fill every moment of your sleep.
May peaceful rest bring you this day
To yonder shore beyond the gate.
I'll linger here awhile just yet,
But you go on, my loving pet.
'Tis time for us to part our way,
Until the coming of the day...
When we again will meet once more
Beyond Life's Gateway, on yonder shore.
But for a time we both must wait
On either side God's shining gate.
And should you see me crying there
It's not because I think unfair
The shortness of the days we shared
'Tis only that I loved and cared.
So go my gentle, little one
With all my love into the sun
I'll join you on another day
When all earth's cares shall pass away.		 NEVER ENDING STORY
(John Mingo Sr)
As you look upon us, from Heavens high above,
Always remember our journey, it was always filled with Love.
This starting of our journey, of scenes of joy and play,
We never seem to worry, of endings of a day.
This never ending story, of happiness we shared,
Will never be forgotten, for all the good days that we had.
As you look up on us, with the tears we now do shed,
It's for all the Loving Memories we now bring on ahead.
This ending of a Journey, that's in our Hearts and Soul,
Always brings us pain and grief, that never seems to go.
As you look upon us, from Heavens high above,
My ending of my journey, will never end our love.
As I travel upward, Life's Gateway we shall meet,
A new starting of our journey, is something we shall seek.
So now we know our Loved Ones are in Heavens high above,
And the endings of a journey, is not the endings of our Love.
This never ending story that's in our Hearts and Soul,
They're in our Loving Memories, we should never let them go.





Visit our Pet Memorials







HEALING GARDEN

The Healing Garden is a special area on our property designed for and dedicated to our clients and the pets they love. The healing garden is where people can go to be close to nature, reflect on feelings, and feel better. We are including a dedicated walk where clients can donate an inscribed stone or a tree or plant in honor of a family member (2 legged, 4 legged, furred, feathered, or scaled). For more details on how to participate, contact our office at (813) 973-2929 or email us.




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